By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. The Journal of Sex Research is one of my favorite professional journals, and a recent issue included a study on sexual identity and sexual behavior in older lesbians, those 51 or older at the time of the survey – Baby Boomer lesbians, born before 1960. Some of the results are really interesting. Here’s one to shoot down the “lesbian bed death” theory: about 11% of the women with partners, average age 63, reported no sex in the past year. The comparable figure for heterosexual partnered women over the age of 50, according to Kinsey Institute statistics? Twenty-five to thirty percent, depending on whether they are married or not. Most older lesbians in relationships had sex a few times a year to weekly – but 3% were still having sex daily! And most of the women who were having little or no sex with their partners were satisfied with this frequency, noting that their relationships had changed over the years, with emotional intimacy increasingly more important than sexual intimacy. Lesbian sexuality is underappreciated. Yes, there are women for whom ‘lesbian bed death’ is a reality and they hate it. Whether lesbians in sexless relationships outnumber heterosexual women… Read more »
Author: Margie Nichols, Ph.D.
Why ‘Sex at Dawn’ is a Game Changer
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. Recently, there’s been renewed buzz about the 2010 book “Sex at Dawn” but it’s unclear whether people appreciate the book’s true importance. Authors Ryan and Jetha assert “Like bonobos and chimps, we are the randy descendants of hypersexual ancestors” and although much of the book makes the case for non-monogamy, their arguments about our sexual origins have far broader implications. So broad, in fact, that before I tackle BDSM I want to explain why ‘Sex at Dawn’ is a game changer. When the book first appeared, Dan Savage called it the most important book about sex since Kinsey, and that’s only slightly hyperbolic. Subtitled “How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships,” authors Ryan and Jetha’s purpose is to skewer the idea that monogamy is in any way ‘natural’ or ‘evolutionarily sound.’ But in fact they do much more: perhaps without realizing it, they’ve provided the basis for a new paradigm for viewing human sexuality, one that validates the existence of all variant forms of sex and gender expression. Let me explain. From the birth of the field of sexology, marked by the publication of Kraft-Ebbing’s Psychopathia Sexualis in 1886, sex… Read more »
The ‘Dodo Bird Verdict’
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. Recently, Scientific American published a piece called “Are All Psychotherapies Created Equal”? The article reports on a debate that, incredibly, has been going on since 1936, when psychologist Saul Rosenzweig used the metaphor of the Dodo Bird in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ to describe research comparing the effectiveness of different types of psychotherapy. In ‘Alice,’ the Dodo Bird judges a race by declaring the ‘everyone has won, and all must have prizes;’ Rosenzweig believed that this was true of psychotherapy: that all recognized methods of psychotherapy are better than no therapy, and that the type of therapy matters not at all. In the nearly 80 years since, most researchers have concluded nearly the same thing. To be sure, there are a few exceptions. Behavioral techniques appear to be most effective for severe depression and for some anxiety disorders, for example. And occasionally therapy can do harm: research revealed that ‘critical incident debriefing,’ a technique involving pressuring people who have survived a traumatic event to recount (and relive) that event, actually INCREASED the incidence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in these survivors. Moreover, the research over the last number of decades has only looked at ‘recognized’ treatments, which means… Read more »
The Trans Explosion Part 1
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. Many people are puzzled and confused by what seems to an explosion of people who identify as transgender, genderqueer, gender fluid, or something else that is not ‘male’ or ‘female.’ Even to LGB folk, the changes seem to have occurred almost overnight. So let’s start our exploration of trans issues by explaining what happened. In the 1970’s and 1980’s, the common wisdom was that sexual orientation and gender identity were totally separate things, unrelated to each other. The gender binary – the idea that there are two distinct sexes, male and female, biologically determined- was unquestioned. ‘Transsexuals’ were nature’s mistakes, a female brain trapped in a male body, and female to male transsexuals were thought to be rare. ‘MtF’ transsexuals- natal males with a female identity- yearned to be perceived as women and to fit into mainstream heterosexual society by ‘going stealth’ – keeping their history as males hidden. They rejected -and were rejected by -the newly emerging gay community. At the same time, the gay male community embraced the male macho ideal, and drag queens and ‘sissy’ men were marginalized even in the gay ghetto. Lesbians were more accepting of ‘dykes’ or ‘butches,’ but suspicious… Read more »
Hot, Healthy and Horny: Introduction To This Blog
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. This blog is named after a workshop designed in the 1980’s by Luis Palacios and Michael Shernoff, two gay social workers and friends who worked with GMHC- Gay Men’s Health Crisis- in the early days. Their workshop was subtitled ‘Eroticizing Safer Sex’ and – it did exactly that. Gay men in 1985 were terrified and bewildered, feeling doomed to celibacy or death. Michael and Luis were responsible for helping hundreds of thousands of men learn they could enjoy sex without becoming infected with AIDS or infecting others. R.I.P., my old buddies. The 1960’s and 70’s were times of expanding sexual freedom in America for everyone, not just gay men. For a time it seemed we would throw off the restrictive sexual values of our past. But our Puritan roots run deep. The inevitable backlash against sexual freedom that arouse in the 1980’s was fueled to a dangerous pitch by AIDS. It is not surprising that many saw AIDS as a punishment, or that public response to AIDS was so hysterical and virulent. Deep down, we mistrust pleasure in general, bodily pleasures even more, and sexual pleasure most of all. We Americans have a peculiar two-pronged attitude towards… Read more »
Farewell, Thomas Szasz- You Changed My Life
Thomas Szasz , the psychiatrist who himself was one of psychiatry’s most strident critic, died on Saturday September 8 at the age of 92. I’ve read several obits, some praising and some ridiculing the man, but none that capture his real importance. The writers are taking the arguments of Szasz’ seminal book, “The Myth of Mental Illness,” way too literally. Szasz called mental illness ‘problems in living’ and scoffed at the idea they were literally rooted in brain malfunction. On this one, he was partly to largely wrong. But his larger points had nothing to do with this. Szazs’ saw psychiatry as a companion to and replacement for religion in the modern world, and he saw both institutions equally committed to preserving the status quo by policing behavior of the average citizen. Those who transgress social rules and social mores are either ‘bad’ or ‘mad.’ The former are condemned to Hell and/or imprisoned, the latter locked away in madhouses. Szasz was the first to expose psychiatry as a tool of political oppression. Today we know that the history of psychiatry is fraught with shameful collusion with the holders of social power. In the 1800’s, ‘drapetomania’ was a mental disease that supposedly caused… Read more »
A NEW VIEW OF THE MOMMY WARS: WHAT IF YOU DON’T MATTER AT ALL?
In recent months there has been a show of rebellion against what some have called the fetishization of motherhood, including some articles that even question that most sacred of cows (no pun intended), breast-feeding. The Time Magazine cover story of May 2012, “Are You Mom Enough?” is the most well known, but other similar articles have appeared in the New York Times and progressive magazines and online blogs. No less a mainstream figure than Jane Brody has questioned the science behind breastfeeding! The critiques are of ‘intensive parenting’ credos, the best known of which is called ‘attachment parenting,’ and they have been of several types. Some attack the science- the science behind attachment parenting claims is essentially non-existent and even our beliefs about the importance of breast feeding in a First World country may not be grounded in fact. Others attack the politics of these practices, and indeed they seem to be practical only for upper middle class women not interested in pursuing a career and not in need of full-time work. Some complaints from a feminist perspective focus on the ways that ‘intensive parenting’ beliefs denigrate women who do not share this parenting style, and particularly less privileged women…. Read more »
Boys Who Wear Dresses, Part 2: Helping Your Gender Variant Child (Video)
In this video, the second part of our series on children who are gender non-conforming, IPG Executive Director, psychologist, and sex therapist Dr. Margie Nichols explains what these kids need from their parents: unconditional love and support, the freedom to be who they really are, contact with other kids like them – and advocacy. To see Part 1, click here.
Boys Who Wear Dresses, Part 1: Gender Fluid, Nonconforming, and Transgender Youth (Video)
Dr. Margie Nichols, psychologist, sex therapist and director of IPG Counseling, and Courtney Zehnder, IPG Social Media Staff and counselor for LGBTQ and gender variant kids, tackle a difficult subject. On August 12, 2012, the New York Times Sunday Magazine’s cover story was called “BoyGirl – What’s So Bad About A Boy Who Wants To Wear A Dress?.” Courtney and Margie made this video to further educate anyone who wants to learn more about these kids, but especially parents, friends, and family – and the kids themselves. They explain what different terms mean, why these children express themselves differently, and how you can support them. In part 2 Dr. Nichols will speak more directly to parents about how they can help their gender variant child.
What About Venus?
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. In an earlier blog post, we wrote about the distinct characteristics of male sexuality. With the caveats that men and women are more alike than different, and that we don’t know if the differences are cultural or biological- here are some things we know about women’s sexuality: 1) Women are less sexual than men – with some important distinctions. Women are less likely than men to orgasm regularly – 50% versus 75% – but they are MORE likely to be able to have multiple orgasms. Moreover, many women have no ‘refractory period’ after an orgasm – that means, if the desire is there they can continue to have sex indefinitely. 2) Moreover, women may be more inherently arousable to a wider variety of sexual stimulation than men. In a famous series of experiments Meredith Chivers and her colleagues found that men responded narrowly to pornography – heterosexual men only to heterosexual porn, gay men only to gay porn – while women responded to all kinds of erotic depictions, no matter what their sexual orientation. 3) Women definitely fuse sex and love more than men do. Not only that, many women can’t seem to grasp how anyone COULD… Read more »