Author: Margie Nichols, Ph.D.

Ten Things You Need To Know About Gender Nonconforming And Transgender Youth

IPG just initiated supportive counseling groups for gender variant and transgender youth, and for their parents.  We’re realizing that most people are woefully misinformed about these kids, so we came up with a list of facts that we hope will counteract the stereotypes and falsehoods: 1. It’s Not a Binary, It’s a Spectrum. We’re used to two or three categories of gender: male, female, maybe transgender. But lots of people, especially young people, don’t fit into these boxes. Many kids are GENDER NONCONFORMING, GENDER VARIANT, or GENDER ATYPICAL. Like boys who enjoy wearing dresses. These child’s mother wrote a children’s book about him called “Princess Boy.” 2. It’s Not ‘Dysphoria’ It’s ‘Minority Stress.’ The psychiatric term for what we are calling gender nonconforming/variant/atypical and transgender kids will be called ‘Gender Dyphoria’ in the new DSM, the ‘psychiatric Bible.’ ‘Dysphoria’ is shrink-talk for mildly to moderately depressed.  You’d be dysphoric too if ….as research has shown….. you were the most likely of your peers to be bullied, most likely to be rejected by parents and/or abused by parents, and most likely to become homeless. Dysphoria is NORMAL when this happens. And it’s even worse if the kid is pressured to conform. … Read more »

The Truth About Male Sexuality

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. MARS AND VENUS? REALLY? The answer is – yes and no.   John Gray’s ‘Mars/Venus’ books maintain that men and women are so intrinsically different that they might as well be from different planets.  Critics of Gray point out, truthfully, that the differences between men as a group and women as a group, in general, are smaller than the differences that exist within each group. But that misses the point.  As a woman, my sexuality isn’t much like the sexuality described by people like Rosemary Basson when they describe a female desire cycle quite unlike that of men.  On the other hand, as a sex therapist and human observer I know that I’m an outlier, that Basson has nailed it for an awful lot of women.. So I guess the answer is yes with a three caveats.  I’m going to describe some of the most well-documented differences between men and women.  But please understand that the traits and behaviors I’m describing apply to about 2/3 of men and women.  That’s a majority – but a hefty 1/3 of each gender fall outside the stereotype.  You can’t use the generalities I’m going to make about male and female… Read more »

Love Versus Sex/ Romance Versus Reality

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. IN OUR LAST POST, WE DESCRIBED THE MOST COMMON ROMANTIC MYTHS THAT DESTROY SEX LIFE.  HERE WE TELL YOU WHY THEY ARE WRONG. Most people are raised with a lot of romantic myths about sex, and like the women in the picture, we refuse to see, hear, or talk about evidence that contradicts our beliefs.  These misconceptions can be grouped into a few categories.  Here are some broad categories and why these romantic beliefs are wrong: 1) Sex and Love are Intertwined:  we seem to think that once we are in love our sex drive will be focused only on our beloved. While this may be true during the initial infatuation phase of a relationship, over time we revert back to our true ‘animal nature.’  And believe me, animals are NOT monogamous.  You may have heard that some animals, like swans, mate for life.  What you probably don’t know is that swans and other ‘monogamous’ animals are connected to one partner for the purpose of child-rearing – but they all sleep around.   Monogamy is kind of – UNnatural. We can make our behavior monogamous, but not our desires.  Once we accept this reality, our partner’s attractions or fantasies about others, or ours,… Read more »

Love Versus Sex: Romantic Beliefs That Destroy Your Sex Life

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D Jack Morin says the thing that derails the sex life of long-term couples is the romantic myths they adhere to.  Below I’ve listed the most common myths we associate with love.  Take the test below: Read the following assertions- check which ones you believe: If he/she loves me, he/she will • know how to please me sexually without my saying or showing • always be turned on to me when I’m turned on to them • know instinctively when I DON’T want sex and not ask • be able to keep my level of sexual desire high no matter how long we’ve been together • be able to make sex hot under any conditions • never be attracted to anyone else • never masturbate, view porn, or engage in sexuality, even solo, that does not include me • never fantasize about anything or anyone else, especially during sex with me • always gaze into my eyes during sex • never ask for any sexual activity that makes me anxious • always like any sexual activity I want • be easy for me to turn on and give pleasure to • make me come; come at the… Read more »

What Ails Women: Most Common Female Sexual Issues

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. What ails women?  The short answer is – that elusive thing called desire.  The most common reason that women seek therapy for sexual problems is ‘lack of desire,’ which sometimes means – “the thought of sex with ANYONE leaves me cold” and other times means “the thought of having sex with him/her leaves me cold,” And desire problems can’t be fixed with a pill, not yet, anyway, maybe not ever.  Research shows that women have really different sexual patterns from men – oh, and by the way, sexual orientation really doesn’t have much to do with this.  For the average woman, sex can be a high maintenance endeavor, with desire not as automatic as for men.  The conditions have to be right, she can’t be too tired or distracted by responsibilities, and she’s got to already feel close to him.  Not only that, but women seem to need more diversity, mystery, drama, whatever you want to call it — they usually can’t do the same ole’ same ole’ every time and still get terribly aroused.  Moreover, that fantastically lusty feeling both partners feel at the beginning of a relationship – it can drop off pretty dramatically… Read more »

Advice From The Sexperts: Why Sex Therapy? How Can That Help?

In the video I explain a little about the difference between sex therapists and ‘regular’ therapists – i.e., licensed psychologists, social workers, counselors- including marriage counselors.  In a word: sex therapists are specialists.  You wouldn’t go to your family physician if you needed heart surgery, and you don’t go to a counselor for help with sexual problems if they aren’t trained and certified as sex therapists.  We have to learn about the medical side of sexual dysfunctions and master the special protocols indicated for treatment of each problems.  Even licensed marriage and family therapists – the people you would most expect to have this training – are ignorant about healing dysfunction. The trouble is, many ‘generalist’ therapists don’t KNOW that they are ignorant.  Sex is still such a taboo topic that it isn’t addressed much in psychotherapy.  All of us, including therapists, grow up in a culture which is at one time exploitative of sex and on the other hand avoids open, realistic, frank talk about sex.   The ‘rationale’ for not talking about sex in therapy is that many therapists are taught that sexual problems are the result of relationship problems.  Solve the couple issues, the sex problems go away…. Read more »

What’s Love Got To Do With It? More On Sex, Love, And Relationships

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. In a previous post I wrote about Jack Morin’s research on long-term couples who still have regular, satisfying sex lives.  Like Morin, in both my career and personal life I’ve seen great relationships with lousy sex and vice versa.   I’ve seen high passion give way to boredom, but sometimes – I’ve seen couples whose sexual relationships grew, evolved, and stayed satisfying and even transcendental.  And I agree with Jack’s conclusions that the biggest obstacles that prevent couples from maintaining a vibrant sex life are overly romanticized myths about sex, love, and relationships.  So in this post and several others I’m going to start unpacking the most common – and destructive – fairy tales we’ve  absorbed from the culture. Here we go, in no particular order: Maintaining  a good, regular sex life is crucial to a relationship.   Yes, even though I am writing here about how to have a good sex life – the above statement is a myth. There are plenty of sexless marriages.And they aren’t all unhappy.Some involve arrangements for one or both partner to get sex outside the relationship; in others, where both partners have low sex drives, sex simply drops out of the… Read more »

Sex Tips From The Experts: Passionate Long Term Couples

By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. Years ago Jack Morin wowed the field of sexology with his book “The Erotic Mind.”  He created a new paradigm for sexual arousal that explained why sex can be particularly hot if it is taboo, forbidden, unattainable, and why couples seem to lose interest in sex the longer the relationship goes on – even if the relationship is great otherwise. Now, Jack is unveiling the results of a project he began in 1996: interviewing couples together ten years or longer who still have sex at least once a week and report that the sex is satisfying and enjoyable, and at times memorable.  Morin has analyzed the data from almost 100 of these couples representing heterosexual, gay male, and lesbian couples.  And, he has compared them to couples who experience sexual distress, specifically lack of desire after some time together.  I had the opportunity hear him speak at a conference in March 2012 and will hereby attempt to summarize his results.  All credit to Morin, all mistakes are mine.:) FIRST THE TAKE HOME: MORIN’S SUMMARY:  The greatest obstacle to a ‘hot’ ongoing sex life is the romantic mythology that surrounds our beliefs about sex and love.  Overall,… Read more »

Spitzer, Zucker, And Reparative Therapy: Ex And Pre-Gay

Something remarkable happened last week in the scientific community, and the story is unfolding, finally being picked up by the mainstream media via Rachel Maddow of MSNBC in her April 18th interview with Gabriel Arana. In ‘My So-Called Ex-Gay Life,’ Arana wrote a moving account of his own horrific experiences with ex-gay ‘reparative’ therapy, the Christian Right’s ‘treatment’ intended to make homosexuals ‘go straight.’ Arana reports that Robert Spitzer, whose defense of ex-gay counseling in 2003 fueled far right Christian homophobes, now wants to ‘retract’  his original article.  Moreover, Spitzer is said to have asked the Editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior for such a retraction and was refused. The Editor of the Archives is Ken Zucker. Yes, the same Zucker who is head of the sex/gender work group for the  upcoming fifth revision of psychiatry’s ‘Bible,’ the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). The same Ken Zucker who practices ‘reparative therapy’ of his own. Only Zucker’s is not ‘ex-gay’ therapy, it’s ‘pre-gay’ – he works with gender variant children and tells parents if they enforce strict gender role adherence in their child they may be able to prevent transgenderism, if not homosexuality. He is sometimes called ‘throw away the… Read more »

Breaking News: Spitzer Apologizes To Gays

Today, Robert Spitzer revealed the content of the letter he is sending to Ken Zucker, editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the journal that originally published his study that concluded that ‘ex-gay’ therapy worked for highly motivated individuals. This article has been the single most influential piece ‘ scientific evidence’ that the Christian Right has used to justify conversion/reparative/’ex-gay’ therapy.  At the time of publication in 2003, many people were shocked because Spitzer had been the ‘inside man’ within the American Psychiatric Association who spear-headed removal of homosexuality from the DSM, the list of ‘official’ psychiatric disorders.  It’s less surprising when you realize that neither Spitzer nor most of the other barely 51% of psychiatrists who approved removal actually thought gays were normal.  They considered it a ‘sub-optimal adjustment’ born of either hard-wired genetics or bad parenting, depending on your theoretical orientation.  But in 1973 they decided it didn’t rise to the level of a psychiatric “illness,” even though clearly – a lamentable outcome.  Psychiatrists supported civil rights for queers kind of the same way they supported civil rights for disabled people.  If that’s your take on homosexuality, then it makes sense that if there is a way to… Read more »