When Dr. Margaret Nichols founded the Institute for Personal Growth in 1983, our original mission was to provide therapy by and for gay men and lesbians. At the time, although homosexuality had been officially "declassified" as a mental illness, most practicing therapists had been trained to believe that being gay was a disease, that gay people were more neurotic than heterosexuals, and that with enough motivation, homosexuality could be "cured." Consequently, psychotherapists did untold damage to their lesbian and gay clients in the guise of "helping them." As a publicly open, self-identified lesbian psychologist, Dr. Nichols knew first-hand how damaging mainstream therapy could be. People lost custody of their children because mental health professionals testified that their sexuality made them unfit parents. Adolescents were often put in psychiatric hospitals when their parents discovered they were gay. Behavior therapists applied electric shock to the fingertips of gay men in order to "decondition" their sexual arousal. People unsure of their sexual orientation were warned against homosexual activities and led to believe they could eradicate their same-sex desires. Dr. Nichols founded her practice as an alternative to this oppressive treatment, to provide a safe, affirmative place for lesbians and gay men to get help for their problems. Over the years IPG has expanded its mission to include a focus on bisexuals, trangendered people, and other sexual minorities.
Many people seek out a gay therapist because they feel more comfortable talking to someone who shares their background and who will understand them from firsthand experience. Others merely need to know that their therapist is accepting of their sexual orientation and respects them as equals. More than half of our therapists are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and all of our therapists are gay knowledgeable and gay positive. Our frequent in-service staff trainings insure that all our therapists keep up not only on the latest in mental health….but also the latest trends in the g/l/b/t community. It's nice to not spend your valuable time educating your therapist about your lifestyle, or talking about your sexuality because your therapist considers it to be a "problem." You may not be seeking therapy because of your sexual orientation, but if your problems DO have a special "gay spin," our therapists are aware of that and their intimate knowledge of the g/l/b/t community makes them better able to help you. Click to read more about:
"I Really Don't Need To Talk About My Sexuality"
Ironically, most of our gay clients seek us out because their problems have nothing to with their sexual preference. If you are like these clients, you want therapy for the same reasons non-gay people seek it: for depression or anxiety or other personal problems, to recover from a life crisis like a broken relationship, or for help with couple or family issues. We understand this and won't be asking you lots of irrelevant questions about your sex life or your first gay experiences when you want help for, say, an eating disorder or work place stress. And our therapists don't just do "gay therapy." First and foremost, we are quality psychotherapists for all kinds of people, and because we have such broad expertise, over the years our practice has attracted as many heterosexuals as it has sexual minorities.
But Sometimes Sexuality IS An Issue
Some people DO come to therapy because of something related to sexual orientation, and for gay-related problems no one has comparable wisdom and experience. We remain internationally recognized experts on issues that are "gay-related." Dr. Nichols has lived and raised children within the g/l/b/t community for over twenty-five years, and many other of our counselors have been leaders in the field, as well. She has published and spoken widely on g/l/b/t mental health and sexuality concerns and is a frequent presenter at professional conferences and training seminars. Other staff members at IPG teach and write for both professionals and lay people on g/l/b/t issues.
In some cases, people seek our help when they are uncertain of their sexual orientation, or feel that it may be changing. It is not always easy to know if you are gay or bisexual or where your primary preferences lie. We can help you confront these difficult issues in a nurturing and accepting environment. Other times our clients know that they are gay, but fear and dislike this identity. Their own ingrained ideas about sexuality may leave them feeling shame and self-hatred, something called internalized homophobia. Because of this, they may be unable to form healthy relationships or even friendships. They may be isolated and lonely, depressed, even suicidal. Our counselors have helped many such people replace shame and self-criticism with pride and contentment with self.
Yet other clients don't experience this shame, and feel quite comfortable being gay, but are concerned about the often painful experience of coming out to their family, friends, or coworkers. We can teach you techniques to come out that we've used in our own lives, and taught our clients over the years. Still others seek our help because they are in a heterosexual relationship, and need guidance and support. They may decide to come out to their partner, or not. They may come out to their partner and work out an arrangement where they can remain in the relationship, or they may leave. We know that there is no one right answer; we will help you find the solution that works for you. We have periodically run support groups for gay married men, run by a gay male therapist who spent many years in a heterosexual marriage.
The Gay Spin On Mainstream Problems
Some people come to IPG with problems that don't directly have to do with their sexual orientation… and yet being gay may have a large impact on the "mainstream" life issues they are facing. We are personally and professionally familiar with the "gay dynamic" as it operates to affect people as individuals, couples, and families.
For example, deciding whether and when to start a family is a dilemma many couples (and singles) face; yet the issues involved in having children are obviously much more complex for gays. A therapist who understand the complexities of this problem is valuable because she or he can raise questions you might not think of, offer options, practical advice, referrals, recommend books, and so on. Other problems have a "gay spin," as well. It's good to have a counselor who understands, if you are a single lesbian, how difficult it can be for two women to hook up with each other when neither has been culturally prepared to initiate relationships. If you are a single gay man, it's nice to have your therapist know why you may be worried about pressure to do "barebacking."
We also know that gay male relationships are different than lesbian relationships, and both are different than heterosexual relationships. Our knowledge of these particular relationship dynamics will make it easier for you to communicate with us: if you say that you and your partner are experiencing "lesbian bed death" or your partner is into "circuit parties" and you are not, we know what you mean. We may have even been there ourselves. Your sexuality may also influence problems all people share, like depression, in specific ways; for instance we often see gay men whose concern about aging and pressures to look good influence their self esteem and contribute to their depression. If you're seeing a gay male therapist, he will be aware of this common problem, and know exactly how you are feeling. Other everyday stresses like child rearing are made more complex in gay and lesbian families: if your child is having problems in school and you don't feel able to be out at the school, this adds an extra dimension to your problem.
As members of marginalized minorities ourselves, we know the essential value of community support. Therefore, we make sure we can connect you with groups and organizations devoted to gay and lesbian concerns (Resources for Sexuality). And we make liberal use of "bibliotherapy," referring you to books, magazines, and articles about gay issues that can help you in dealing with issues impacted by your sexual orientation.
Bisexuality
Although considerable progress has been made in attaining social acceptance of homosexuality, and mental health professionals are much more sensitive to gay and lesbian concerns than they were twenty years ago, the same is not true for bisexuality. The general public, psychotherapists, even gay and lesbian people hold fast to the belief that sexual orientation is dichotomous: you must be either gay or straight. Myths about bisexuality abound: bisexuality is a form of sex addiction, bisexuals are "really" gay people in transition, bisexuals are just people who can't commit, bisexuals are promiscuous, and so on.
Because of this, bisexual people are also often isolated. The gay and lesbian community tends to not be accepting of bisexuality, and the mainstream community is often intolerant of any sexual difference. This can create problems on many levels. First, it is often more difficult for those with an inherent bisexual capacity - the ability to be sexually and/or romantically attracted to both genders - to be clear with themselves about their identity. Not only is there pressure from all fronts to "choose sides," it can be genuinely confusing to know whether that crush you have on a man that you never expected to have signifies a serious bisexual orientation or a minor attraction that will never be repeated. Since bisexuals tend to be aware of one preference, hetero or homo, years before the other, the emergence of a "second" orientation can be a profound shock to your already-established identity. IPG therapists see bisexuality as real, valid, and intrinsically normal and healthy. If you are confused about your preferences we know the questions to ask and the issues you need to examine to resolve your sexual identity. If you are isolated, we can help you connect with bisexual support groups, organizations, websites, and resource literature. We can help you with the particular problems you may face "coming out." For example, others may tend to assume your orientation is reflected by the gender of your current partner, or your gay friends may be disapproving of you if you have previously been in a same-sex relationship and now start dating an opposite sex partner.
Relationships can sometimes be more difficult and confusing for bisexuals as well. Many bisexual people prefer monogamous relationships, and view their bisexuality as merely an expansion of choices - the ability to partner with a man or woman in a committed, sexually exclusive way. Other bisexuals feel a need to be involved with one or more male and female partners at the same time. These people face the same kinds of problems as those involved in a polyamorous lifestyle. Indeed, there is substantial overlap between the bisexual and polyamory communities, and often with the bdsm community as well (see Other Sexual Minorities). Based on our professional and personal life experiences, we can help you navigate these complex lifestyle decisions through one-to-one counseling as well as serving as an expert resource for you, directing you to different organizations, providing reading material, and helping you find support groups.
Transgender
We firmly believe in the transgender continuum: the concept that the two-gender system is confining and simplistic and that many individuals may decide they fall some place in between the polarities. Many therapists do not recognize the multiple permutations of gender identity, and want to place you in limiting categories. They have been trained to believe that anyone who exhibits mixed feelings about their gender identity is either transsexual - in which case they are directed towards gender reassignment surgery - or transvestite, and that these two types of "disorders" never overlap. These categories are over simplified and do not reflect the reality of transgendered people. For example, they do not leave room for the genetic female who wants to dress and live as a male without medical intervention, or the cross-dresser who eventually decides to transition surgically in middle age, or the genetic male who decides to take hormones and live with both a female identity and a penis-or for the many variations on these above themes. Some people have experienced gender conflicts from an early age and have a very stable internal sense of gender identity; for others gender identity is fluid, and may change over time. We will accept you where you are in your life; we will not assume that your gender identity will change, but we will be there to help you if it does.
Many transgender clients come for counseling precisely to determine their own thoughts and feelings about their gender, and our therapists have experience helping you untangle the often complex factors that go into determining where you may be at any point in time on the gender continuum. We can direct you to books, Internet resources, and medical referrals if necessary. For clients who do want to transition, we work within the Harry Benjamin ethical guidelines providing the support you need in order to move forward in your journey.
We run two transgender groups in New Jersey — one is a general group, the other is a post-op group meeting — each of which meets once a month. The groups are facilitated by our Assistant Director, Debbie Williamson, and additionally by qualified counselors from the community with much experience working with the trans-community. We have facilities on site for you to dress for the group, if you would like to be dressed but are not comfortable going out in public. In the group you can get help for your problems, listen to the experiences of others, get encouragement and support, and obtain practical information on topics ranging from medical services to make-up application. Group membership in our general group is open to everyone on the transgender continuum — we include FTMs, MTFs, crossdressers and all people in between. The fee is $20 per person. We encourage group members to make friends and build support networks with one another, so that participants may see each other socially outside of group if they want to. Please call Debbie if you want more information about our groups or individual therapy.
Our Pride In Our Community
We have always believed in using our resources to support our community in any way we can. We've donated our office space for organizations such as PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), and groups for gay youths, gay parents, lesbians and gay sexual abuse survivors, gay Sex Addicts Anonymous, and other non-profit community organizations.
In 1985, IPG staff, along with other professionals and volunteers, founded Hyacinth Foundation, New Jersey's largest social service agency for those affected by HIV. IPG staff volunteered time to provide clinical services, supervise volunteers, raise money and obtain government grants. Although Hyacinth has operated independently for nearly fifteen years, at IPG we have continued to provide therapy for substantial numbers of people affected by the HIV epidemic, often for free. We work with family members and survivors of the many fatalities of this plague, and we remain current on developments in the field, such as the lifestyle changes that came with the widespread use of retrovirals and increased survival rates. In addition, we are aware of the reemergence of unsafe sex practices among some younger segments of the gay male community, and we make efforts in our practice to educate this younger generation about safe sex practices and risky behavior.
We continue to champion sexual freedom and alternative lifestyles, to do psycho educational workshops for free at gay organizations, and to educate mainstream mental health professionals through the publications and speeches of Dr. Nichols and other staff.
Our perspective is far more radical than "gay-friendly" or "gay-affirmative." In our practice, our publications, and our public appearances, we promote the belief that the "queer" community has frequently been in the vanguard of important social movements. For example, gay people are forming new family groupings and social networks not based on biological family, groupings that the mainstream is just now beginning to emulate. Gays and lesbians tend to remain friends with ex-lovers and partners, and that model is particularly important when children are involved; they tend to have amicable co-parenting arrangements even after "divorce," unlike many heterosexual couples. Sociologists like Pepper Schwartz, a noted sex researcher, have commented on the egalitarian nature of our love relationships as compared to those in the heterosexual community. The philosophy at IPG is that the g/l/b/t and friends community has valuable lessons to teach the mainstream; we have concrete and tangible reasons to be proud of our lifestyles.
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IPG's Newsletter for G/L/B/T and Other Sexual Minorities
