Dr. Margie Nichols, psychologist, sex therapist and director of IPG Counseling, and Courtney Zehnder, IPG Social Media Staff and counselor for LGBTQ and gender variant kids, tackle a difficult subject. On August 12, 2012, the New York Times Sunday Magazine’s cover story was called “BoyGirl – What’s So Bad About A Boy Who Wants To Wear A Dress?.” Courtney and Margie made this video to further educate anyone who wants to learn more about these kids, but especially parents, friends, and family – and the kids themselves. They explain what different terms mean, why these children express themselves differently, and how you can support them. In part 2 Dr. Nichols will speak more directly to parents about how they can help their gender variant child.
What About Venus?
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. In an earlier blog post, we wrote about the distinct characteristics of male sexuality. With the caveats that men and women are more alike than different, and that we don’t know if the differences are cultural or biological- here are some things we know about women’s sexuality: 1) Women are less sexual than men – with some important distinctions. Women are less likely than men to orgasm regularly – 50% versus 75% – but they are MORE likely to be able to have multiple orgasms. Moreover, many women have no ‘refractory period’ after an orgasm – that means, if the desire is there they can continue to have sex indefinitely. 2) Moreover, women may be more inherently arousable to a wider variety of sexual stimulation than men. In a famous series of experiments Meredith Chivers and her colleagues found that men responded narrowly to pornography – heterosexual men only to heterosexual porn, gay men only to gay porn – while women responded to all kinds of erotic depictions, no matter what their sexual orientation. 3) Women definitely fuse sex and love more than men do. Not only that, many women can’t seem to grasp how anyone COULD… Read more »
Ten Things You Need To Know About Gender Nonconforming And Transgender Youth
IPG just initiated supportive counseling groups for gender variant and transgender youth, and for their parents. We’re realizing that most people are woefully misinformed about these kids, so we came up with a list of facts that we hope will counteract the stereotypes and falsehoods: 1. It’s Not a Binary, It’s a Spectrum. We’re used to two or three categories of gender: male, female, maybe transgender. But lots of people, especially young people, don’t fit into these boxes. Many kids are GENDER NONCONFORMING, GENDER VARIANT, or GENDER ATYPICAL. Like boys who enjoy wearing dresses. These child’s mother wrote a children’s book about him called “Princess Boy.” 2. It’s Not ‘Dysphoria’ It’s ‘Minority Stress.’ The psychiatric term for what we are calling gender nonconforming/variant/atypical and transgender kids will be called ‘Gender Dyphoria’ in the new DSM, the ‘psychiatric Bible.’ ‘Dysphoria’ is shrink-talk for mildly to moderately depressed. You’d be dysphoric too if ….as research has shown….. you were the most likely of your peers to be bullied, most likely to be rejected by parents and/or abused by parents, and most likely to become homeless. Dysphoria is NORMAL when this happens. And it’s even worse if the kid is pressured to conform. … Read more »
The Truth About Male Sexuality
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. MARS AND VENUS? REALLY? The answer is – yes and no. John Gray’s ‘Mars/Venus’ books maintain that men and women are so intrinsically different that they might as well be from different planets. Critics of Gray point out, truthfully, that the differences between men as a group and women as a group, in general, are smaller than the differences that exist within each group. But that misses the point. As a woman, my sexuality isn’t much like the sexuality described by people like Rosemary Basson when they describe a female desire cycle quite unlike that of men. On the other hand, as a sex therapist and human observer I know that I’m an outlier, that Basson has nailed it for an awful lot of women.. So I guess the answer is yes with a three caveats. I’m going to describe some of the most well-documented differences between men and women. But please understand that the traits and behaviors I’m describing apply to about 2/3 of men and women. That’s a majority – but a hefty 1/3 of each gender fall outside the stereotype. You can’t use the generalities I’m going to make about male and female… Read more »
Love Versus Sex/ Romance Versus Reality
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. IN OUR LAST POST, WE DESCRIBED THE MOST COMMON ROMANTIC MYTHS THAT DESTROY SEX LIFE. HERE WE TELL YOU WHY THEY ARE WRONG. Most people are raised with a lot of romantic myths about sex, and like the women in the picture, we refuse to see, hear, or talk about evidence that contradicts our beliefs. These misconceptions can be grouped into a few categories. Here are some broad categories and why these romantic beliefs are wrong: 1) Sex and Love are Intertwined: we seem to think that once we are in love our sex drive will be focused only on our beloved. While this may be true during the initial infatuation phase of a relationship, over time we revert back to our true ‘animal nature.’ And believe me, animals are NOT monogamous. You may have heard that some animals, like swans, mate for life. What you probably don’t know is that swans and other ‘monogamous’ animals are connected to one partner for the purpose of child-rearing – but they all sleep around. Monogamy is kind of – UNnatural. We can make our behavior monogamous, but not our desires. Once we accept this reality, our partner’s attractions or fantasies about others, or ours,… Read more »
Love Versus Sex: Romantic Beliefs That Destroy Your Sex Life
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D Jack Morin says the thing that derails the sex life of long-term couples is the romantic myths they adhere to. Below I’ve listed the most common myths we associate with love. Take the test below: Read the following assertions- check which ones you believe: If he/she loves me, he/she will • know how to please me sexually without my saying or showing • always be turned on to me when I’m turned on to them • know instinctively when I DON’T want sex and not ask • be able to keep my level of sexual desire high no matter how long we’ve been together • be able to make sex hot under any conditions • never be attracted to anyone else • never masturbate, view porn, or engage in sexuality, even solo, that does not include me • never fantasize about anything or anyone else, especially during sex with me • always gaze into my eyes during sex • never ask for any sexual activity that makes me anxious • always like any sexual activity I want • be easy for me to turn on and give pleasure to • make me come; come at the… Read more »
What Ails Women: Most Common Female Sexual Issues
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. What ails women? The short answer is – that elusive thing called desire. The most common reason that women seek therapy for sexual problems is ‘lack of desire,’ which sometimes means – “the thought of sex with ANYONE leaves me cold” and other times means “the thought of having sex with him/her leaves me cold,” And desire problems can’t be fixed with a pill, not yet, anyway, maybe not ever. Research shows that women have really different sexual patterns from men – oh, and by the way, sexual orientation really doesn’t have much to do with this. For the average woman, sex can be a high maintenance endeavor, with desire not as automatic as for men. The conditions have to be right, she can’t be too tired or distracted by responsibilities, and she’s got to already feel close to him. Not only that, but women seem to need more diversity, mystery, drama, whatever you want to call it — they usually can’t do the same ole’ same ole’ every time and still get terribly aroused. Moreover, that fantastically lusty feeling both partners feel at the beginning of a relationship – it can drop off pretty dramatically… Read more »
Advice From The Sexperts: Why Sex Therapy? How Can That Help?
In the video I explain a little about the difference between sex therapists and ‘regular’ therapists – i.e., licensed psychologists, social workers, counselors- including marriage counselors. In a word: sex therapists are specialists. You wouldn’t go to your family physician if you needed heart surgery, and you don’t go to a counselor for help with sexual problems if they aren’t trained and certified as sex therapists. We have to learn about the medical side of sexual dysfunctions and master the special protocols indicated for treatment of each problems. Even licensed marriage and family therapists – the people you would most expect to have this training – are ignorant about healing dysfunction. The trouble is, many ‘generalist’ therapists don’t KNOW that they are ignorant. Sex is still such a taboo topic that it isn’t addressed much in psychotherapy. All of us, including therapists, grow up in a culture which is at one time exploitative of sex and on the other hand avoids open, realistic, frank talk about sex. The ‘rationale’ for not talking about sex in therapy is that many therapists are taught that sexual problems are the result of relationship problems. Solve the couple issues, the sex problems go away…. Read more »
OCEAN IN A TEACUP: Neil Selden, Therapist, Meditation Teacher – and Playright
Neil Selden, who has worked as a therapist/counselor for over fifty and been at IPG for over twenty, is an inspiration to his clients and many of the staff. As a young man he traveled to India and became the disciple of an Indian holy man called “Thakur.” When Neil returned to the U.S. and became a therapist, he brought his spiritual outlook and practice into his therapy decades before ‘mindfulness meditation’ was a buzzword in the world of mental health. But Neil is also an author and playright, and one of his plays, a musical called “Ocean in a Teacup” is derived from his days as Thakur’s devotee. The play has already been produced in New York to enthusiastic reviews, and Neil and others are trying to raise money to turn it into a Hollywood/Bollywood film. Here is what Neil says about Thakur and the play: When people began calling him Thakur (pronounced ‘Tockoor’), or Master, he said he preferred two other possible meanings of the word: knocker (someone who knocks at your complexes) or cook (someone who creates the food that will nurture and heal and fulfill). Born Anukul Chandra Chakravorty at the end of the Nineteenth Century,… Read more »
What’s Love Got To Do With It? More On Sex, Love, And Relationships
By Margie Nichols, Ph.D. In a previous post I wrote about Jack Morin’s research on long-term couples who still have regular, satisfying sex lives. Like Morin, in both my career and personal life I’ve seen great relationships with lousy sex and vice versa. I’ve seen high passion give way to boredom, but sometimes – I’ve seen couples whose sexual relationships grew, evolved, and stayed satisfying and even transcendental. And I agree with Jack’s conclusions that the biggest obstacles that prevent couples from maintaining a vibrant sex life are overly romanticized myths about sex, love, and relationships. So in this post and several others I’m going to start unpacking the most common – and destructive – fairy tales we’ve absorbed from the culture. Here we go, in no particular order: Maintaining a good, regular sex life is crucial to a relationship. Yes, even though I am writing here about how to have a good sex life – the above statement is a myth. There are plenty of sexless marriages.And they aren’t all unhappy.Some involve arrangements for one or both partner to get sex outside the relationship; in others, where both partners have low sex drives, sex simply drops out of the… Read more »