Sexuality is not always black and white. It comes in more than just “50 shades of grey!” In fact, it’s not uncommon for a married partner to be bisexual, desiring physical and emotional connection from both genders. Unfortunately, for too long, the concept of bisexuality has been a controversial concept, with authorities having argued for centuries that it doesn’t exist and that people are “naturally” straight, homosexual, lying, or simply participating in youthful experimentation, according to an article on Psychology Today. The good news is that society is increasingly accepting sexuality as flexible. Researchers have even confirmed that bisexual orientation is as real as heterosexuality and not a temporary phase.

Since bisexuality is not simply a phase one will grow out of, it is entirely possible to marry a bi man or bi woman, no matter how you describe your own sexuality. While it can feel overwhelming or confusing at first to recognize that your partner may be bi, there are steps you can take so that bisexuality does not become the cause of personal issues. In fact, if you feel stressed or unsure about your next steps, consider seeking therapeutic help. The psychotherapists at the Institute for Personal Growth in New Jersey will give you and your spouse the space to figure out gender identity, sexuality, and how to support each other with compassion.

For now, if you’re asking yourself, “Is my wife bisexual?” or “Is my husband bisexual?” take a moment to review these signs that could point towards your spouse being bi and in need of your support.

Please note that no single sign automatically means your partner is bisexual. Human sexuality is diverse, and the only way to truly know someone’s identity is when they choose to share it with you.

1. Threesome Talks

This sexual fantasy is the most common among Americans. In fact, a study by the Kinsey Institute found that 95% men and 87% women, aged 18 to 87, wished to have sex with multiple partners. However, if your spouse gets excited about threesomes involving both genders, chances are that they wish to experiment with their sexuality.

2. Intimacy With the Same Sex

You might find your spouse sitting uncomfortably close to their same-sex friends or that they want to have too many sleepovers with such friends. This could indicate that they go both ways and want the best of both worlds. Body language is also a major giveaway. So, keep an eye on how your spouse behaves around certain people.

3. Going Overboard With Appreciation

Women in general love to compliment other females they are fond of. Straight men, too, wholeheartedly acknowledge their male friends. However, the choice of words can indicate sexual sentiments. For example, instead of saying that the skirt or jacket looks great on you, they might say, “You look attractive in these clothes.” If they are going overboard with their compliments, there could be chances of bisexuality.

4. Experiences Same-Sex Attraction

You must note that a mere appreciation for appearance is not alone a sign of bisexuality. However, if your spouse is sharing sexual desires with both genders and admiring them more than necessary, they may have a bi orientation.

5. A New or Deepened Interest in LGBTQ+ Culture and Issues

You might notice your spouse is suddenly consuming more media with bisexual or LGBTQ+ characters and themes. They may follow more queer creators on social media, read books by bisexual authors, or become a more vocal advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. This immersion can be a way for them to see themselves reflected in the world and find the language to articulate their own feelings.

6. A Sense of Incompleteness

Sometimes, a person who is hiding a core part of their identity experiences depression, anxiety, or a feeling that something is “missing.” If your spouse seems withdrawn, melancholy, or restless without a clear external cause, it could be related to an internal struggle with their sexual identity.

How to Support Your Bisexual Partner

If your spouse comes out to you, your reaction is incredibly important, as it has the power to make your partner feel seen and heard or ashamed and embarrassed. To make sure the moment is full of love, compassion, and support, follow this advice:

• Listen Without Judgment. This is their story to tell, in their own time and in their own way. So, create a safe space where they can be vulnerable without fear of rejection or anger. Acknowledge their courage in sharing this with you. You can say something as simple as, “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m here to listen.”
• Reassure Them of Your Love and Commitment. One of the biggest fears a person has when coming out in a relationship is that their partner will leave them. It’s essential to recognize that their bisexuality doesn’t erase the love, history, and life you’ve built together. Reassure them that you love them and that you are still committed to your marriage.
• Educate Yourself. Take the initiative to learn about bisexuality. Read articles, books, and first-person accounts from bisexual individuals. Understand common misconceptions, such as the false ideas that bisexual people are inherently non-monogamous or confused. The more you understand, the better equipped you’ll be to have productive conversations and be a true ally for your partner.
• Seek Support for Yourself. It’s okay to have your own feelings about this revelation. You might feel confused, insecure, or even a little sad about the narrative you thought you had. These feelings are valid. It can be incredibly helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor, either individually or as a couple, to process your emotions and learn how to navigate this new chapter in your relationship.

Seek Support From a Licensed Psychotherapist

Bisexuality could be a messy reality for married couples, but it’s not something that cannot be coped with. With the right tools and support, you can be comfortable in vastly different social circles, be secure in your skin, and avoid saying biphobic things. Visiting a counselor or psychotherapist can also help you and your loved one avoid negativity from creeping into the relationship and allow you two to rekindle your sex life. 

If you would like professional support in navigating your marriage with a bi person, speak to the experts at the Institute for Personal Growth. We offer marriage counseling specifically dedicated to LGBTQ+ issues in our offices in Jersey City, Highland Park, and Freehold, NJ. Our licensed therapists can provide the space you and your spouse need to understand and connect with each other.